I could probably write a book… a “how to” for the single woman entering a new city. A sortof workbook on how to create community and make a new part of the world feel like home, even if HOME is 1000s of miles away. Or perhaps not a book… but at least a booklet! I mean, if I count the time I moved to Columbus, the two places I moved to in California, and this most recent move to Waco, that’s 4 times in the last 8 years that I’ve been brought by life to a new place where I knew few if any people, and I’ve survived - even thrived to some extent.

But I couldn’t really write much I guess, or least not anything that might help someone else, because I’m not sure I know what I’m doing, even after all this practice. I still feel awkward, insecure and unsure of myself. I wish for the days of my childhood, where it was risky, but socially acceptable to slip someone a note that says “Do you like me? Choose YES or NO” because at least then I would know up front. As it is, I find myself approaching potential friendships in fits and starts. I meet someone at some sort of gathering or event… find out their name, promise myself to commit it to memory, maybe find them on Facebook or something, and then hope to see them again at another gathering.

After that it’s this waiting game… when will I get up the nerve to contact them, having no idea if they have any interest in friendship with me? People are so nice here… I could easily think that any of them, when we are together, would want to be friends. And while some people have been reaching out to me in amazing ways, I don’t want to be the one that waits for people to always come to me.

The truth is I think I’m a pretty likeable person. I’ve been told I’m easy to be around, gracious, approachable, funny, and friendly. And I’m *mostly* self-secure, but there are moments when I feel like any reaching out I do to others, must be perceived as annoying at best, but more likely desperate. So when I finally do work up the courage to blatently ask someone “Can we be friends?” (although I don’t usually use those words… um… hello, cheesy), I spend the rest of my day second guessing myself.

Maybe I’m in too much of a rush. I mean, I’ve been here less than 3 months, and I really have made some friends and have experience a few moments of true community and friendship. Anyway, I’m grateful for all of that, but still frustrated with my insecurity as I try to invite other people into my life, knowing that they probably had pretty full lives already before I entered the scene.

Part of what’s hard for me is that I’m not really used to being alone. I mean, I’ve lived with friends or in a residence hall, or with my family for basically my whole life. I’m over 30 years old, and this is the first time I  haven’t been able to just walk out my bedroom door to be around people. Maybe I’m not used to having to really work for my friendships - previously they’ve just happened. I think I’ve taken for granted in the past, those friends that are always up for something, and can be counted on to have time for me. It’s so reassuring to have a go-to person… and I just don’t have that right now. And without a spouse or a family either, I end up spending a lot of time alone.

So… I’m exhausted from trying to have the courage I need, but life is beautiful, even in its moments of unsurity.